


angel face

by borntomesmer



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Drugs, M/M, Not Beta Read, lowercase is intentional, shortfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 09:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borntomesmer/pseuds/borntomesmer
Summary: you knew that promise would be broken sooner or later.





	angel face

**Author's Note:**

> a.n. ♡ hey this is my first fic i've posted, so please be nice :) this entire fic is from stefan's pov, and i mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone involved. i don't own placebo nor do i know what goes on in their lives. i don't mean any harm!  
> (t.w. for anorexia and drugs sorry)

**1998** ****  
****  
_charming eyes of greenish-blue that you could see stars in_

_plush doll-like lips that could make you fall in love instantly_

_that perfect bone structure_  
  
_how he would always hum in his sleep, and how pretty it sounded_  
  
_his long long lashes that make him look like a doll_  
  
_and the way he bats those lashes, and it drives you crazy every single time_  
  
_the goofy face he would always make at you before going on stage_  
  
_but if he didn't go from goofy to an angel in the span of 3 seconds_  
  
_his pale snowy skin, and the way his long black locks of hair fell over it that you always thought looked better when he didn't straighten it, perfect for twirling and pulling during intimacy but also for running your fingers through when he was crying, because it could always calm him down_  
  
_and his smile that could make anyone fall in love_  
  
_those legs, and how they look when he wears a dress onstage_  
  
_and oh when he wears those dresses on stage..._  
  
_or his sweet voice that could make dirty words sound pretty_  
  
_his laugh every time you tell a funny joke_  
  
_round cheeks that made him look like a cherub - as much as he hated that comparison_  
  
_how he rolls over next to you when he wakes up first, and half of the time he would plant quick kisses all over you until you woke up, and the other half he would just whisper sweet nothings to you_  
  
_and he still thinks you don't hear it but you hear most of it anyways_  
  
_the sweetest singing voice and how whenever he sings he sounds angelic to you_  
  
_those pretty collarbones that stick out just enough to make him look like a porcelain doll, it makes you think he’s so delicate that he might break if you touch him too rough_

 _small fingers, and how whenever you hold hands he can only hold a couple of your fingers because he's so tiny but you're so tall_  
  
_his hips that could mesmerize_  
  
_kisses that could go from soft to sweet to dirty in the span of 5 seconds_  
  
_and how he would always let you know that he loves you_  
  
_it's his small waist, perfect to hold when you both dance in the kitchen at 1 AM to the smiths and rufus wainwright_  
  
_or a small body, perfect to hold and cuddle while he drifts off to sleep... his body, oh god his body that you loved looking at_  
  
_or maybe it was how happy he got when you bought him designer clothes and lingerie_  
  
_and oh how he looked in that lingerie, and how excited it always got you because lace panties that compliment his curvaceous hips and push-up bras that make him look even more feminine_

_well they really leave little to the imagination_

_how simply perfect brian was..._  
  
stefan loved his angel face.  
  
...

  
**2001**  
  
_his kind heart, how he always puts others before himself but you wish he would stop_  
  
_how he even looks beautiful when he cries but oh god, you wish he could just stop crying and be happy_  
  
_how he only says he looks beautiful when he has makeup on but even then you know he's lying to himself, that he thinks he's disgusting_  
  
_how he doesn't eat so he can look thin_  
  
_what he doesn't realize is that he already is_  
  
_or maybe it's his chubby cheeks that used to be so adorable but now it's just skin and bone_  
  
_eyes that before you could get lost in, but now they're just empty and soulless_  
  
_a voice that's deteriorating because he needs to eat but you won't tell him that, because you don't want to hurt his feelings_  
  
_or how you always have to lend him a jacket or a sweatshirt because he's freezing all the time_  
  
_how his once perfect, beautiful body is now just like a walking skeleton, and he has to be helped off stage now_  
_  
and how he can't even walk around the airport without stopping at least 3 times because he's so dizzy_

_hair once long and silky now thin and brittle because he keeps forgetting to eat_

_his lips so pale and chapped because he's so malnourished_

_and he’ll cake on more and more makeup until it’s unnoticeable_

_that’s why you’re the only one who knows what’s wrong_

_but steve knows too, he just doesn’t care_

_maybe it’s his crying at the middle of the night, alone in his bunk because he's so depressed and broken inside that he cuts off everyone_

_and he just needs love even though you're giving him all the love in the world, but he just wants more_

_but you're giving him all you can and then some_  
  
_and those cracked sobs just break your heart_  
  
_how he doesn't ever want to get naked around anyone because he's so ashamed of his body that he won't let anyone see_  
  
_how he thinks he's just an object that people only love because of his beauty but you need to get it through his thick fucking skull that he's loved by so many and not just because he's beautiful, but because he's helped them_  
  
_how he's crying almost every day about something or the other and he just won't get help and how we're all screaming at him, eat or you're gonna die, but he just simply doesn't care, it's like he wants to die_  
  
_because he doesn't see how much he means to so many of us, he just wants to end all the pain_  
  
_how you hear him throwing up in the tour bus bathroom whenever he does eat which is incredibly rare_  
  
_and how you always knock on that door, telling him he's beautiful the way he is and he doesn't need to do this_  
  
_but you can't help him if he doesn't want help_  
  
_how he acts like everything is okay onstage and in interviews, everything is perfect on the outside but it's not fucking perfect, it's not_  
  
_and how he locks himself in rooms for hours on end, and you hear him crying and screaming yet you keep banging on the door, "let me in, let me in baby i won't hurt you," but he's scared of you for one reason or another and it hurts_  
  
_but he'll exit the room in the morning and all of you pretend that nothing happened but deep down you all know that he's changed_  
  
_and you wonder who caused him to hurt so bad_  
  
_who broke your angel face_  
  
_because he was a different person now_  
  
_once so kind and innocent_  
_  
but now so cold and distant_

and _you’ll pray to god that one day he’ll stop thinking like this_

_realize that he’s beautiful the way he is and that he’s going to kill himself if he keeps acting like this_

_but you know that will never happen, at least not now_

_and so until then, you hold him when he's having panic attacks and crying so hard he'll almost puke, running your fingers through his hair and telling him "it's okay, it'll all be okay baby i got you"_  
  
_and how you know it's a lie and that it won't be okay_  
  
_how you're so afraid_  
  
_how you don't want to lose him_  
  
_how you want to fix him but at the end of the day you can't fix someone if they don't want to be fixed_  
  
_how he says he wants to be happy but whenever you offer to pay for help he starts crying, saying that he doesn't need it_  
  
_because he's always on cocaine or heroin and that's another reason why he's deteriorating right in front of you but you can't. hurt. his. feelings. so you just let it slide but in the end something is bound to happen and it's bound to hurt_  
  
_and you stop and ask yourself - would it be worth it to force him to get help?_  
  
_would it make him hate your guts?_  
  
_would it fix him?_  
  
_can he even be fixed?_  
  
_and then he comes up to you and gives you a kiss on the cheek_  
  
_and on the outside, everything seems perfect in that moment_  
  
_but on the inside it's fucking killing you_  
  
_how he looks so sad on stage tonight, he usually plays it up like everything is picture perfect but now he can't even be bothered to smile even though they're playing at the fucking cabaret of desire, a dream of brian's, and he still looks like he wants to die_  
  
_it's how he flashes a quick smile to the fans, maybe thankful or maybe just trying to seem happy because as soon as he stops looking at them he turns back to a frown_  
  
_how even though he's shaky and afraid he's still singing his heart out, and how he's pouring every ounce of passion into that performance even though he looks sickly, he looks so sic-_  
  
...  
  
how brian was sitting there, in the emergency room because he had just collapsed halfway through performing peeping tom.  
  
malnutrition, they said it was.

  
  
_and you stop and think - maybe i didn't compliment him enough?_  
  
_maybe i should've been nicer_  
  
_more patient_  
  
_or gentle_

  
and how stefan was so fucking scared.

  
  
_how you always said_  
  
_"it'll all be okay baby"_  
  
_deep down you knew that promise would be broken one day_  
  
_because you knew it was bound to happen_  
  
_you knew your angel face would crack sooner or later._  



End file.
